In terms of dealing with my brother’s alcohol addiction, I've basically learnt to accept the fact that I'm helpless when it comes to stopping his daily drinking. It still hurts, seeing him destroy his life, but at the same time, it’s his life. He knows how I feel about the problem. He knows how my parents feel. Change is up to him. Living with this mindset tends to work. Mostly he goes about his business without causing conflict in the family but other days everything seems to get out of control. When this happens, it’s hard not to get involved with his problem because it affects everyone in the household so deeply. Weekends are the worst. It’s during these times that I become really emotional.
As he downs more glasses of wine, beer and bourbon, you just know when it's going to be one of 'those' nights. It starts small with him hassling mum over something stupid. But the more you ignore him, the more attention needy he seems to get. He acts like a toddler in an adult’s body. Only at least with a toddler you have the authority and ability to control them.
When you have a father with a short fuse and a brother who knows how to trigger that fuse = totally recipe for chaotic disaster. Usually I try to stay in my room and avoid the arguments. But it’s hard to ignore it all, especially when violence is introduced. I remember one time when I found my brother on top of my dad in a choke hold. A vision that’s hard to dissipate from my mind. My natural fight or flight response was to, of course, break it up but there's always a danger in dealing with people who are 1) intensely enraged 2) intensely enraged under the influence. After that my brother broke down and smashed some glass kicked some furniture and it was when he drew blood that I knew I had to get out of there. I went for a drive, always a good escape. Eventually though, I had to stop because it was too hard to fight back the tears. Crying, and thinking about the situation, made me feel really alone.
Even though hate is such a strong word... I do hate my brother’s behaviour when he stirs up the house like that. I hate him for upsetting my parents so much and for upsetting me. Moreover how he just passes out after it all... like nothing ever happened. The next day the household is very subdued. I don't get how everyone can just seemingly ignore all the events from the night before. But we do and until the next drama arrives that's how shit will stay.
It’s not always bad. Sometimes I feel that the closest moments we've shared together have been the ones when he’s been intoxicated. Whether or not I’m happy about the circumstances under which we've bonded, I still treasure the moments. I feel at ease around him because he acts so carefree and friendly (generally rare when he's sober) and we've had some really great conversations. On the other hand.. I can’t help but think come his hangover the next day, he will have no recollection of any of what we spoke about and return to his normal grumpy state and that really makes me kind of sad.
It really is a battle of emotions.
